Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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