i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
