I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
When are your genitals available?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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