batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
