I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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