i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
