Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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