I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
