I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
