just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
