Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You are the jesus of drinking
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
