a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
