i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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