no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
