I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
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Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
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yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.