At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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