I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
