He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
