I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
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I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
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She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
They have beer where we have blood.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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