My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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