He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
