Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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