420 ftw
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
