you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
