and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
