sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
