Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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