bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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