My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
