I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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