Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
