Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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