nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
so let's talk penis.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
