We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
