Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
