You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
