You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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