I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
