if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
