Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
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I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
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Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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