he wants to bone in the snuggie
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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