I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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