they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
