I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
