i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
