Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
