i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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