Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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