I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
