im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
