i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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