I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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