I looked at my own cervix.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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