how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
