From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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