Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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