she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
