My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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