I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
