oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
