Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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