I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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