It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
