Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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