You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
