just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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